Biological Clock
by Corrupting A Moron
Summary: Somethings on Bianca's mind. Janet has to wait to find out what it might be.


It began several weeks ago; a gradual change coming over her lover, a wistful smile here, a melancholic look there. She had assumed it was hormonal; she should have known better than to assume. As the days passed, Janet noticed a sporadic malaise settling over Bianca; an ennui that showed up late at night, after dinner but before they went to bed. It rarely lasted longer than a few hours, but it was definitely there. Bianca thought she was hiding it, but Janet saw right through her. Janet waited, every night, for Bianca to overcome her hesitancy and open up; it became disquieting, watching Bianca warily circle around the topic, starting, pausing, and then changing the subject. Her sudden loss of words concerned Janet, but she had no idea what might be causing the problem; as observant as she was, she hadn't managed to pinpoint the cause; Everything else in their lives was going swimmingly; a job promotion for Bianca, regular romantic interludes and the children had even started referring to Bianca as _Mum_. Liam, the usual chosen spokesperson for important decisions that held high perceived levels of risk had started it; _"Mum and mum,"_ he'd said half way through dinner one night, _"can Em and me have lunch orders tomorrow?"_ It had taken a few seconds and a surreptitious glance to Bianca before she had confirmed that they could have either a pie or sausage roll for lunch the next day. It had been sweet, the way the children had decided that they were both 'Mum'. It seemed that the twins had been referring to Bianca as mum for a while now, but had been waiting for the right time to use the title with her. In the secret language that all twins had, Liam and Emma innately knew which 'Mum' they were referring to; in their minds there was no need to refer the two women differently.

So, all Janet could do was wait; wait for Bianca to either resolve whatever internal conflict she was having or open up and discuss it with her. Janet could only hope that the internal conflicts that she was having didn't include second thoughts about their relationship, or infidelities which may have occurred.

Finally, after weeks of false starts and sporadic, scattered conversations, Bianca finally managed to broach the topic that had plagued her so.

"It's my forty-third birthday tomorrow..." Bianca began hesitantly. Sensing a momentous announcement coming up, or at least a resolution to the turmoil that had been going on inside of her, Janet stopped folding the laundry and sat down on the bed beside her lover, giving her undivided attention. "You've been asking what I wanted, and I didn't want anything... and I hope you didn't get me anything," Bianca took Janet's hand in hers, seeking comfort and strength for her next words. "I've changed my mind." Janet frowned. She wasn't going to be able to get whatever Bianca wanted for her birthday in time for tomorrow. Bianca's hands became clammy, and she interlaced the fingers of one hand with Janet's before covering both with her free hand. "I know what I'd like for my birthday. I want a baby." Surprise didn't begin to cover the feelings suddenly washing over Janet. She never felt that Bianca wanted to have her own children; certainly she was a loving, nurturing woman, but she had never expressed maternal urges related to physically carrying and bearing children. The so-called biological clock certainly shouldn't be affecting Bianca. She wasn't done yet. "I'd like your permission to try with Ash's embryo."

Surprised and reeling from this revelation, it was all Janet could do to not pull out of Bianca's grasp. She clenched her jaw slightly as her eyebrows drew in, trying to calm her pulse which had suddenly doubled. Hurt at her reaction but sensing her need for flight, Bianca stood, releasing Janet's hand in the process and stepped away from the bed, allowing her the opportunity to flee. Janet didn't take it. She didn't want to escape, she wanted to understand. When Deb originally requested Ash's embryo, she hadn't been emotionally ready to even discuss the matter; even thinking about the embryo, the embryo resulting from the egg that Ash produced from her body, a single remaining living part of Ash, had brought unbidden and barely controllable tears to the surface; the embryo they fought to make, the embryo she'd fought to keep. The emotional stability Bianca's presence invoked helped her move on from the trauma and loss, and Bianca herself had given her someone to love, a reason for happiness. The least she could do was listen and understand Bianca's reasons for wanting to bear Ash's child. Slightly calmer, she shuffled onto the bed so she could sit cross legged and patted the bed beside her, silently inviting Bianca back, a gentle smile gracing her lips when her lover hesitantly sat down close to her. Janet reached over and tugged Bianca's legs so they draped over her own. When she was sure her lover was comfortable, she began to stroke Bianca's legs, caressing up and down, massaging her thighs for a while before caressing downwards and casually squeezing her calves. She focussed all her attention on this task, allowing the contact to calm her, to calm Bianca, allowing herself time to gather her thoughts. Finally, she looked up at the serious, determined gaze that she knew her lover would be wearing and asked in the gentlest manner possible, "Why?" It was a simple single word question, for which Bianca could choose to answer in a multitude of ways; she would likely answer all of the questions living within that single word before the night was over, but for now, Janet would be happy with whatever answer Bianca would start with. Wishing for more contact, Bianca shifted so they were facing each other, moving Janet's legs so they were straddled, before once again draping her legs over Janet's. Janet reflected that this position was very similar to the one they assumed the first time they made love. She rested her hands at on Bianca's hips and waited for her to start.

"Ash..." Bianca shook her head as if to clear her thoughts and tried to start again. "It would be wrong of me to ask, and so I never would. I can't begin to imagine the depth of your love for Ash, nor hers for you." Bianca closed her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. "At the height of your love, she was taken. Both the manner in which this occurred, and the timing, has made an indelible impression on you. I've struggled..." Bianca opened her eyes again, pausing, unsure if she was able to continue. Janet stroked her face, tucking a stray strand of hair away and took her hand, kissing her on the knuckles, patiently waiting for her lover to compose herself. Bianca started again. "I've struggled with Ash's spectre. It's not a unique situation, but it's a unique situation for me. I'm often scared, Janet. I'm scared that I don't measure up. The way she was taken from you, it would be easy to put her up on a pedestal, to immortalise her," A single tear escaped and trickled down Bianca's cheek, glistening in the light as she spoke. Janet opened her mouth to protest, but Bianca continued. "I sometimes wonder if, in a different life, under different circumstances, if I would have had half a chance with you. If you'd even give me a glance, a second look." She pulled her mouth down, resentful of the situation, of the revelation, of both the thought and how unwarranted it was. "It's one of those things, isn't it? Your soul mate would be just as happy with someone else." She shuffled backwards, ready to pull away, but Janet stopped her and shifted so they were close, just touching. She laced her fingers behind Bianca's hips, preventing her from escaping, and placed a tender kiss on Bianca's frown, before drawing her into a deep hug.

"I'm here. With you. Now. You can't think like that. You can't let those thoughts eat you up, and you definitely shouldn't undermine yourself like that." She said. She was unsure of how she could show Bianca the depth of her love; the difference between Bianca and Ash, the difference in the two relationships. Bianca had been her lifeline; a Virgil to her Dante, her guiding light out of the depths of hell. Ash... she and Ash started their relationship in a swirl of hormones, passion and desire, tumultuous and fiery, and settled into domesticity, slight complacency, with defined roles that were slightly boring. No, the two relationships definitely shouldn't be compared, but not for the reasons Bianca thought. There was no way of assuaging Bianca's fears without downplaying her love for Ash, and she knew it. "Babe, there's no way of knowing the outcomes of all of life's permutations and combinations. All you can do is trust; trust me when I say I love you, trust that I want you in my life." Bianca nodded slowly as she took deep breaths to try and prevent the pain that was radiating within her chest from spreading.

Bianca spoke again. "Watching you with Emma and Liam, hearing you talk about the bond you have with them, it makes me want that. It made me realise my time to have children was starting to run out. The other day, when the kids started to call me Mum, I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted more. I thought you might like to go through it with me... I thought we'd like to go through it together. And then I thought..." Bianca laughed bitterly at just how desperate she was about to sound. "I thought if I could bear Ash's child... Maybe you would love me as much as you did her. Maybe you could love me more." She closed her eyes again, the pressure in her chest so immense it was difficult to breathe properly. Tears snuck past her clenched eyelids and trickled down her cheeks. She dropped her head forward as she began to sob. Biting her lip, Janet embraced her lover again, holding her, rocking her, letting her cry. There was definitely nothing she could say now; Bianca's mind seemed set; letting her try with Ash's embryo was likely the only thing she could do to let Bianca get a handle on her jealousy. Bianca quieted down, and she nudged at Janet with her head, seeking the other woman's lips, asking silently for Janet to kiss her pain away. Janet acquiesced, allowing Bianca free reign to seek her absolution, allowing her to worship her body however she desired so she might assuage her fears and feelings of inadequacy, allowing Bianca to pull her clothes off and finally, allowing herself to sink into the pleasure that Bianca was giving her.

* * *

Janet lay awake, propped up on one elbow, watching Bianca sleep. She could still see the path Bianca's earlier tears had taken. Emotionally spent, Bianca had fallen asleep soon after she came; Janet was not quite so lucky; while Bianca had removed her emotional burden, Janet felt that perhaps she had taken one on; frustration didn't begin to explain the feelings she experienced upon realising Bianca's concerns regarding relative inadequacy; she sighed, irritated that she hadn't known about Bianca's jealous feelings and let her brood over them. She wondered if Bianca really wanted to go through the pain of IVF; the nausea, the hormonal rollercoaster, the physical invasions that were all inevitable when a third party was required for impregnation. At least she could say she had gone through it all, and had experienced the bullshit required. She carefully examined her own feelings; if she was true to herself, she realised, this would indeed an acceptable situation; her former partner's child, borne by her current partner; the legal side of her brain went haywire tracking the details of it, but the emotional side of her accepted it with a high level of calm. Janet thought about the many dark days she experienced after Ash's death; the upheaval, the raw gaping wound caused by her death very nearly ended her as well; the revelation that she was the cause of Ash's death very nearly broke her again; the feelings of self loathing were enormous; Bianca had been there for her, supporting her without judgement, voicing calm and reason when all she could think of was how it was all her fault; she had endangered her whole family, she was the cause of Ash's death. Occasionally, she still thought that if she and Ash weren't together, hadn't been together, Ash would still be alive, and perhaps she herself would not be, and how if that happened, then maybe she deserved it, and everything would be fine. Bianca sensed her moods, and loved her through them, loved her despite of them, perhaps loved her because of them. Bianca literally saved her children, and figuratively saved her; she managed to remove her feelings of confusion, help her heal, give her back her sense of worth; in short, Bianca helped her feel whole again. She sighed. Bianca was her world. She had been blessed with a second chance, and she would be mad to throw that away. She shifted close to her lover so their naked bodies were touching. Bianca shifted in her sleep and rolled, and Janet shuffled in spooning the other woman, reaching around her body so she could cup Bianca's breast. She kissed Bianca on the back of the neck and fell asleep listening to her breathe.


End file.
